Tiger Woods Jokes List (with Kanye West, too!)

"Yo Tiger, you have a great swing and Imma let you finish, but Elin had the best drive of the night! OF THE NIGHT!

By now, you have all heard that Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and a tree last week. And his wife Elin apparently came out of the house to “rescue” him. Yeah, she rescued him by smashing in his rear windshield with a golf club and then pulled him out of the back window.

Me thinks not all is well in Woodsville. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Personally, I think Tiger needs to admit to his alleged affair with Rachel Uchitel. By lying about it, the story is being dragged out over a week’s time frame. Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids. The story died. David Letterman admitted to having sex with a coworker. The story died. Tiger should take a lesson from those guys. Their PR people obviously know how this game works. And now with the 911 call, a voicemail and text messages making the news, as well as another woman who is claiming to have had an affair with Tiger, the lie will have to end.

Elin & Tiger Woods pose for a recent picture

I’m still a Tiger Woods fan. Everybody makes mistakes. I can forgive. And I’m glad to see that people can joke about this news. Isn’t it good to be able to laugh a little bit?

• Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly… but put me down for a 5.”
• Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
• What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards……..
• What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
• Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
• Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!
• What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.
• Elin’s excuse? She had to play a bad lie.
• We now see that tiger woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway.
• What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
• Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball.
• Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.
• What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing.
• Why did Tiger Woods crash into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood or an iron.
• It’s been a tough year for tiger. 2nd time he has been beaten by a nine iron.
• Nike wants to drop their endorsement, apparently Tigers balls go everywhere.
• Apparently, Tiger had a 2:30 Tree Time.
• Did you hear that Tiger is changing his nickname? Yeah, it’s still in the cat family: Cheetah.
• All of this happened because Tiger picked up another birdie.
• Tiger Woods is apparently giving up pro golf. According to him, “My putting is still good, but I keep driving into the trees.”
• The Bitching wedge would have been another solution.

Rest In Peace: Ken Ober & MTV’s Remote Control

Ken Ober - Host of MTV's Remote Control 1980's Game Show

Well, another part of my childhood is gone. Ken Ober, host of the 1980’s MTV game show, Remote Control , died on Sunday, November 15th. He was 52. It was an awesome game show/party from back when MTV was awesome and original. Adam Sandler and Colin Quinn were regulars on the show. Anyways, I’ve gathered a collection of pictures of Ken Ober and all things Remote Control. It’s like a picture tribute to a man and a show that was the funniest of its day. I hope you enjoy them.

Ken Ober - MTV's Remote Control Game Show Host

MTV Remote Control at Home Board Game

Bonus Round on MTV Remote Control

MTV Remote Control Needs Contestants Flier Ad

Ken Ober on set at MTV's Remote Control Game Show

MTV Remote Control Logo

Nintendo Game: MTV's Remote Control

Nintendo Game Screenshot: MTV's Remote Control

MTV Remote Control T-Shirt

Ken Ober - Host of MTV's Remote Control 1980's Game Show

Ken Ober on MTV's Remote Control (Sing Along With...)

Ken Ober on MTV's Remote Control (Wheel of Jeopardy)

RIP, Ken. We’ll miss you. Thanks for all the great memories.

Signs from ESPN GameDay at TCU

If you live in the DFW area, you have probably heard of the sports radio station 1310 The Ticket. They have a ton of “bits” on that station, and apparently their listeners (aka P1s) love to take those bits to the ends of the Earth for everyone to experience. In this case, ESPN GameDay came to TCU on Saturday, and the P1s showed up for fun. While there were many signs at the event, here are some Ticket-related signs (Thanks to Maunder for posting these):

George 'Cannonball' Dunham - 1310 The Ticket Signs at ESPN GameDay TCU

Corby 'The Snake' Davidson - 1310 The Ticket Signs ESPN GameDay TCU

TCU Footballball - 1310 The Ticket Signs at ESPN GameDay TCU

Funny? I think so. Other Ticket bits and drops that would have made good signs:

• Pow!Pow!
• Um Paul in…
• Meh…
• It’s fun to do bad things.
• Oh! A phong is ringin’!
• Put your butt in me.
• Do you like this gig?
• That wasn’t the question!
• Wouldja?
• I like steak.
• Exactly…I mean…
• Please kids, don’t jar.
• Ever seen a guy with a fake head?
• Great story. Tell it again!
• Throw it in my butt.
• Smoke wif cigurrettes.
• Get your ass hung up on now, you idiot!
• Never never no never no never no no never!
• Is that blood?
• Hot dog with doodoo as the weiner.
• Hamburger with doodoo as the meat.
• When you skart skalling bazzzzz….
• What’s this guy’s deal?
• Breaking News: We have just learned that Michael Jackson is dead at 50.
• 8$D$ at Blockbuster 8$ Dar
• Michael Trabtree?
• It’s a fartform.
• Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
• I think everything is going on a lot more than we think it is out there.
• I’m sure everyone knows Im still hangin around Dallas.
• Nip nip weiner.
• Vaginal Slice Born Born.
• We’re having fun here, no?
• I’ve got a flask in my car if anyone wants to join me for an after hours drink.
• Do you like websites?
• I don’t want audio!
• Baby arm to you, sir.
• The anus is on them.
• Did you hear? Fat Joe left Atlantic.
• Why are you yelling? You’re a foot from me.
• Are you gay? ARE YOU GAY?!
• Where’s Grubes at?
• Eeni-meeni-noy

I hope to see all of those at the next ESPN GameDay event!

Eva Mendes & Calvin Klein Team Up for Sexy Billboard in SoHo, NYC

Controversy: Eva Mendes & Calvin Klein team up for this sexy billboard in SoHo, NYC

Remember this controversial, sexy Calvin Klein billboard? Well, it seems Calvin Klein is at it again in SoHo, NYC. Only this time the billboard ad features superhot Eva Mendes. And. She. Is. Hot. This billboard covers the entire side of a building at the corner of Houston Street and Lafayette Street in SoHo. I’m booking a flight right now. I’ve gotta go see this in real life. And what’s with the controversy? What’s wrong with beautiful people selling products? In fact, what’s wrong with half-naked people using their sexual energy and passion in a billboard advertisement to sell products for a company that makes sexy products? Isn’t that smart marketing and advertising? I guess that’s just the way it is. Like Tupac said.

BTW, this is not the first controversial CK ad featuring Eva Mendes. Previously, Eva was featured in a CK commercial for the Calvin Klein fragrance, Secret Obsession. The ad was pulled in the US, but you can see it here (thanks to the miracle of YouTube).

Balloon Boy Meme Hits the Interwebs!

I don’t know about you, but I like memes. Yesterday’s Balloon Boy news created a great scenario for a meme. And wouldn’t you know it, the Balloon Boy Meme is official. Falcon Henne of Fort Collins, Colorado is a star. And even though we know it was a hoax, the meme is still pretty funny. Enjoy!

I want to believe (Balloon Boy Meme)

Thank you! But your child is in another hot air balloon. (Balloon Boy Meme)

To infinity and beyond! (Balloon Boy Meme)

Go Falcon, Go! (Balloon Boy Meme)

Fresh Prince Theme Song (Balloon Boy Meme)

Fresh Prince Theme Song (Balloon Boy Meme)

Grounded (Balloon Boy Meme)

I just wanted to do hoodrat stuff with my friends. (Balloon Boy Meme)

Yo Balloon Kid, Imma let you finish, but Baby Jessica was the best... (Balloon Boy Meme)

Meghan McCain's boobs (Balloon Boy Meme)

Never Forget 10/15/2009 (Balloon Boy Meme)

Oh hai! (Balloon Boy Meme)

You got punk'd! (Balloon Boy Meme)

Inquisitive Raptor (Balloon Boy Meme)

Twitter Status Update (Balloon Boy Meme)

Disney Pixar - Up (Balloon Boy Meme)

I heard you like balloons, so.... (Balloon Boy Meme)

How about that?!?!! Balloon Boy is a hit!

Moscow UFO Sighting or Weather Phenomenon (Oct. 7, 2009)

The Sun is reporting a massive UFO sighting over Moscow last Wednesday, October 7, 2009. They have a picture, and here is the video:

Is it an alien mothership? Or is it another weather phenomenon? Personally, I’m not sure. However, given the fact that this thing does not move, it is very likely that it is some strange result from the cloud cover. I am not a meteorologist, but that explanation makes sense to me. However, even though we have pictures, a video and potentially tens of thousands of people witnessing this event, we need more evidence. Did it fly away rapidly? Did it simply fade away? Did it move at all? Was it visible from all angles?

In some ways, I’m on the fence about finding conclusive proof of extraterrestrial life. Think about this: If we have a sighting that is indisputable proof of alien life, then it is very likely that our time is about to end. Maybe it will be better for us to have these mysterious sightings.

2009 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book Catalog Out Now!

Hey folks! It’s that time of year again. Yes, the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book is now available online. I have taken a look through the 160-page online Christmas catalog, and here are my favorite 3 items for sale.

1. One His & Hers ICON A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training for Two ($250,000)

His & Hers ICON A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training for Two ($250,000)

I’ve never seen anything quite like this. I want 2 of them. In fact, I want one of them for each of my 5 best friends, so we can race them! From the official ICON A5 page on the Neiman Marcus website, here are 10 WOW! factors for this aircraft:

• An amphibious hull and landing gear to take off and land just as easily on water as on land.
• The ability to run on automotive gasoline or aviation fuel.
• A sexy, streamlined two-seat interior with intuitive controls, including
• FAA-approved flight instrumentation and
• a state-of-the-art GPS system, so you don’t get lost.
• A range of 345 land miles or 300 nautical miles.
• A next-generation lightweight carbon fiber frame.
• Spy-movie wings that rotate up and fold back out of the way.
• Removable side windows to dangle your arms out into the wind and sun.
• A custom, high-tech trailer for fast and easy loading and unloading from land or water.

His & Hers ICON A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training for Two ($250,000)

2. Customized Cupcake Car ($25,000)

Neiman Marcus Christmas Book: Customized Cupcake Car ($25,000)

The Customized Cupcake Car is #2 on my Christmas List by virtue of its WTF??!!?! nature. I mean, I would love to “…Bring it to work and buzz the breakroom. Crash parades! Putter about the ‘hood…” My only concern involves transporting this cupcake from point A to point B. I guess I’d have to purchase a truck. In fact, maybe I could get a matching truck. A boy can dream, right?

Neiman Marcus Christmas Book: Customized Cupcake Car ($25,000)

3. Neiman Marcus Metal Arts C.F. Martin Guitar and Case ($12,000)

Neiman Marcus Metal Arts C.F. Martin Acoustic Guitar and Case ($12,000)

Now this is what I’m talking about. I love guitars. And I love Martin acoustic guitars. Naturally, I would love to own the $12,000 Neiman Marcus “Metal Arts” Martin Guitar and Case. Actually, $12,000 is not too bad for a custom C.F. Martin acoustic guitar. Out of all the big items in the catalog, this one is probably the most logical for me. It’s a custom music instrument whose value will increase over time. Count me in!

Neiman Marcus Metal Arts C.F. Martin Acoustic Guitar and Case ($12,000)

Well, enjoy the upcoming Christmas holidays. And if you find some awesome gifts out there, send them to me. I’ll review them. And keep them.

Swine Flu Conspiracy: H1N1 Swine Flu Vaccine & Neurological Disorders

Personally, I’m not a big believer in conspiracy theories, but I do enjoy reporting on various conspiracy theories. However, I do believe the old adage: “Where there is smoke, there is  fire.” I tend to raise my eyebrows and perk up my ears when I see or hear interesting stories about conspiracies. This week, I’m hearing all about the H1N1 swine flu and the swine flu vaccine shot. I posted about the WHO declaring a pandemic back in June, and I’ve been keeping up with the headlines throughout the summer. I would like to think that I am (more or less) up-to-speed on the whole H1N1 swine flu issue. But there is still one stone left unturned: the swine flu conspiracy, specifically the swine flu vaccine conspiracy. Take a look at this video:

To recap the video:

• Back in 1976, there was a swine flu scare. Several doctors knew that there were neurological disorders and complications associated with the H1N1 vaccine, but that information was not made available to the public.
• A healthy, active woman named Judy took the swine flu shot in Nov. 1976, and within a week she was a quadrapalegic. Her paralysis lasted 6 months, and she was confined to a wheelchair for over a year. She had developed Guillain-Barré syndrome. According the Wikipedia Page for Guillain-Barré syndrome:
  

  There were reports of GBS affecting some people who had received swine flu immunizations in the 1976 U.S. outbreak of swine flu. Overall, there were about 500 cases of GBS—25 of which resulted in death from severe pulmonary complications— which, according to Dr. P. Haber, were probably caused by an immunopathological reaction to the 1976 swine flu vaccine. Other influenza vaccines have not been linked to GBS, though caution is advised for certain individuals, particularly those with a history of GBS.

• After the 1976 swine flu scare and vaccination program, over 300 claims came in from families of victims who died from GBS related to the swine flu vaccine.
• Concerns include possibly using chemical additives, or adjuvants, to boost the effectiveness of the vaccine. Adjuvants have never been used in flu vaccines in the United States, but they have safely been used in other vaccines, such as Tetanus.
• There are also concerns that some forms of the H1N1 vaccines will contain Thimerosal, a mercury-containing preservative. While Thimerosal has never been associated in any scientific way with any adverse affects to young people or to the fetus, a US Congressional Committee report stated that “Thimerosal…is directly related to the Autism epidemic.” The committee blamed it on “…misplaced protectionism of the pharmaceutical industry.”
• There is a fear of the Mercury contained in vaccines. A study of vaccinated primates showed increased neurological disorders and nonsocial behaviors similar to autism. There is data that suggests more vaccinations = more autism. And there is circumstantial evidence: In an Amish community that shuns vaccinations, there are only 4 cases of autism in a community of 22,000 people.
• A bill recently passed in the Massachusetts Senate says that if there is a swine flu pandemic and you don’t get the swine flu vaccine, you could be ordered into quarantine. If you refuse the quarantine, you could face a fine of $1,000 per day that you resist. Many citizens are concerned that the bill’s provision will abuse their Constitutional Rights.

So there. Now you know. But that is not the end of the story. Do some research on your own. Make your own choices regarding the vaccine. But before you decide, check out this 1976 PSA:

Summer of Death 2009 Comes to an End

Summer of Death 2009

Today (September 21, 2009) is the last day of Summer 2009. Tomorrow is the first day of Fall 2009. And so the Summer of Death 2009 comes to an end. Like they say – “All good things must come to an end.” I’m not sure if a summer death list is a good thing, but when it comes to celebrity deaths, it was certainly a fascinating 3-month time frame. Here is a list of some of the most notable celebrity deaths from the Summer of Death 2009:

• Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009): American dancer, singer, songwriter; The King of Pop
• Farrah Fawcett (February 2, 1947 – June 25, 2009): American actress
• Edward Leo Peter “Ed” McMahon, Jr. (March 6, 1923 – June 23, 2009): American comedian, game show host, announcer, and television personality
• William Darrell “Billy” Mays, Jr. (July 20, 1958 – June 28, 2009): American TV sales pitchman
• Steve LaTreal McNair (February 14, 1973 – July 4, 2009): Air McNair, American football quarterback
• Robert Strange McNamara (June 9, 1916 – July 6, 2009): Secretary of Defense under JFK and Lyndon Johnson
• Arturo “Thunder” Gatti (April 15, 1972 – July 11, 2009): Canadian professional boxer
• Karl Malden (born Mladen George Sekulovich, March 22, 1912 – July 1, 2009): Academy Award-winning American actor
• Josephine Owaissa Cottle (April 5, 1922 – June 27, 2009): better known as Gale Storm; American actress and singer
• John Arthur “David” Carradine (December 8, 1936 — June 3, 2009): American actor known for roles in Kung Fu and Kill Bill
• Oscar Gustave Mayer, Jr. (March 16, 1914 – July 6, 2009): chairman of Oscar Mayer company
• Robert Lenard “Bob” Bogle (January 16, 1934 – June 14, 2009): founding member of the legendary instrumental combo surf group The Ventures
• Gidget the “Taco Bell chihuahua” (February 7, 1994 – July 21, 2009): Taco Bell mascot and advertising figure
• Walter Leland Cronkite, Jr. (November 4, 1916 – July 17, 2009): American broadcast journalist/anchorman
• Lester William Polfuss (June 9, 1915 – August 13, 2009): better known as Les Paul; American inventor, musician, songwriter, guitarist
• Guiding Light (June 30, 1952 – Septmber 18, 2009): longest-running soap opera, longest running drama in TV and radio history; started on radio in 1937
• Patrick Wayne Swayze (August 18, 1952 – September 14, 2009): American actor, dancer and singer-songwriter; People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 1991
• Edward Moore “Ted” Kennedy (February 22, 1932 – August 25, 2009): United States Senator from Massachusetts; brother of JKF and RFK
• Donald Shepard Hewitt (December 14, 1922 – August 19, 2009): American television news producer; created 60 Minutes for CBS in 1968
• Robert David Sanders “Bob” Novak (February 26, 1931 – August 18, 2009): Prince of Darkness; syndicated columnist, journalist, television personality, author and conservative political commentator
• John Wilden Hughes, Jr. (February 18, 1950 – August 6, 2009): American film director, producer and writer
• Adam Michael Goldstein (March 30, 1973 – August 28, 2009): known as DJ AM; American club DJ and musician

Well that is all for this summer. Unless someone dies today. I wouldn’t put it past Death. He’s had a busy summer. If I were a celebrity at any level, I would watch my back today. Godspeed, Death.

Kanye West Meme Pictures Flood the Internet

The Kanye West interruption during Taylor Swift’s VMA acceptance speech was terrible. America is hating that guy right now, even after he went on Jay Leno and apologized. But what’s done is done. And here are some of the Kanye West meme pictures that are making their way around the internet right now.

Kanye West interrupts Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg

Kanye West interrupts Kanye West

Kanye West interrupts Liu Kang in Mortal Combat

Kanye West interrupts Neil Armstrong on the Moon

Kanye West interrupts the Titanic as it sinks

Kanye West obviously doesn’t understand the concept of ‘too soon…’:

Kanye West interrupts Patrick Swayze

Oh no! It looks like Kanye’s interruption has influenced Mario, as he interrupts Toad:

Mario interrupts Toad

Kanye West interrupts Anne Frank

Kanye West interrupts the Apple Mac guy

Kanye West interrupts Coner Oberst (Bright Eyes)

Kanye West interrupts Edward Cullen from Twilight

Kanye West interrupts God during Genesis

Kanye West interrupts Hurricane Ike

Kanye West interrupts Martin Luther King, Jr

Kanye West interrupts Pink during a trapeze act

Kanye West interrupts Rocky Balboa

Kanye West interrupts Spider-Man

Kanye West interrupts Hiroshima bomb

Kanye West interrupts Nickelback

Kanye West interrupts President Obama

Kanye West interrupts Battle of Iwo Jima

Kanye West interrupts Lee Harvey Oswald

More to come as I find them!